We all know the feeling. Jealousy. Suspicion. A building sense of cold distance between oneself and the angel once exalted as a goddess in one's most intimate dreams. We all know the terrible certainty-despite-uncertainty that our love is hanging over a precipice from a single thread of hope.
But how can we know for sure whether our world is ending for good?
I traveled the world to find an answer to this question. I traveled to Norway. What I discovered shocked me, intrigued me, and, more than anything else, enlightened me.
Here are 4 definite signs your woman is seeing another man.
1) She says five subtle, seemingly innocuous words to you: "I am seeing another man."
You have to be careful with this tricky phrase and the context in which it arises. If, for instance, your woman is an actress, and she is speaking these words to another person on a stage, and the two are generally presumed to be acting out roles that bear no necessary relation to their personal lives, then you can be pretty sure (not 100% sure) that your woman (emphasis on your and woman) remains your faithful slave and or beloved and cherished partner. If, however, your woman asks you if she can "talk to you about something" and says she has "something" she's "been meaning to tell you for some time" and maybe even "feels bad about," and then utters these five nearly undetectable code-words, then you have a reason to make that dreaded leap, pack your bags, and move far, far away to a purer, less crooked and less tainted world. (Iceland is good.)
2) She invites you to come on a date with "another man I've been seeing."
This one is also hard to decipher without proper guidance, but I'm here to help. It's a signal that I learned to watch for during my time in Norway.
While I was in Bergen, I met a woman (whom I quickly claimed as "my woman" though she disputed the title) who invited me to peruse the fish market with "Anders." When I asked my woman who "this f---er Anders" was, she said---in a matter-of-fact tone I found simply intolerable---that he was "another man" she "had met in a spa" and who "was interested in a little group [bonding]." (I replaced her use of a word unbecoming of a female.)
I had had my suspicions before (like when she invited me to the disco-tech with her "sexy lover" Nils), but it was not until this precise moment that I had no shadow of a doubt that my woman was seeing another man. I immediately threw my bag of mini shrimp in her face and stormed out of the fish market like an indignant Norse god. Some people gasped, and there were some things said in Norwegian I didn't quite understand, but I'm sure they were congratulating me on humiliating my FORMER woman (read: infidel) in public.
(Let me clarify that when I say "your woman," I mean the female that you personally own, who divested herself of all autonomy when you first laid eyes on her and conceptualized her being "your woman." Her name, career, or aspirations are not important provided she is "your woman" and you have "a woman.")
3. She introduces you to her "boyfriend."
I can't tell you how many times I have missed this cue. At least seven. Maybe eight. Less than 10. You really have to watch for it. You have to watch for it like you're watching the door of the one bathroom at work, which has been taken for the last hour, it seems, by some idiot who is probably texting his mom. You'll miss it 99% of the time, but if you're vigilant, I think you can catch it.
As soon as she introduces you to the guy, it's no use. You've lost her loyalty. Stand your ground. Don't make eye contact with the brute. This man stole your prize from you, and he deserves no recognition. Throw something at him, maybe a stapler or a glass jar. Make grunting sounds to indicate your dominance. If you're lucky, the couple will just turn and walk away, but if he picks a fight, knock him down in the dust like the soulless dog he is.
4. You walk into your bedroom to find your woman in the dreaded act with another man.
The first time this happened to me, I gave my woman the benefit of the doubt. I said, "Honey, I don't know what you're doing over there, but it sure looks like you're twiddling that guy's Talbot." She said, "No, we're just playing a board game."
"Is it Twister?"
"No. It's backgammon."
"OK. If it was Twister I'd come over there and join you, but since it's not Twister I think I'll go watch TV."
"OK, Sweetie. Can you turn out the light?"
"Sure thing Honey."
Literally I had no idea. Literally. Right there in front of me. I even saw him put his Lamborghini in the garage, but I didn't want to ask any questions. Anyway, if this ever happens to you, stop right there. Put an ad on Craigslist, either for you or for your EX woman, doesn't matter. Life as you know it is over.
What Should You Do?
The four signs I've highlighted in this article are hard to detect, and now, I'm sure, the mere thought that any of these signals has an underlying meaning is throwing you through a loop. But, if you find any of these four nightmares to come true, I have some action steps you can follow to ensure the best possible outcome for you.
Do not show weakness. Period. The worst thing you can do in these kinds of situations is admit that you're having an emotional reaction (also known as a WEAK reaction). Strong men simply don't have emotions, and if you're having one, you need to beat yourself up or something, just to show that you have a high pain tolerance and you're not affected by little unimportant things like your woman betraying your trust. Draw blood for an added effect.
Do not talk about it. Talking never solved any problems. Talking is for women, like the harpy who ground your soul into the dust with her pointless girly high heels of sexual impurity. I bet she does a lot of talking with that other man. Serves him right.
Stick to your values. If your woman turns out to be seeing another man, there is no question as to who is in the wrong. It's definitely her. Don't listen to anything she says about your "emotional unavailability" or the "really lousy sex" or your "oppressive misogyny." These are all concepts invented by the feminine wiles to make honorable men like you feel bad about themselves unnecessarily. (They want to steal your masculinity!) AND to give them an excuse to soil their pure spirits in the filthy confusion of so-called "independence."
Build an ark. The ending of such a perfect love can only signal the end of the world as we know it. Just to be safe, it's a good idea to prepare for the worst.
Tune in next week when I explain 5 sure signs your sarcasm is becoming an addiction.
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