PSA: Blogging Is On Its Way OUT

I have had it with elite "bloggers" and tech-ass CEOs condescending to the masses with their guides to "boosting blog traffic." Let's face it, people. SEO is out. Even search engines are out. Heck, nobody even uses the Internet anymore. We are living a lie: we need to admit that this way of communicating--blogging--is not viable anymore. I've been blogging since 1945--back when blogging was something you got paid to do--and let me tell you, this is a dying art. I don't mean that in the sense that it's something we should preserve, build an institute for, and cherish like it's the last surviving fertile pair of pandas.

I mean it in the sense that we need to take blogging off life-support and just let it die a natural death.

Let me explain. Like I said, I was one of the early bloggers. I wasn't among the first, but let's just say I was around when Eisenhower wrote the classic "14 Reasons Why an Interstate Highway System Would Fucking Rock" listicle. (I was the first to comment on that listicle, by the way.)

I saw the real estate content marketing boom and bust, and I watched thousands of desperate bloggers scrambling to reclaim all the subscribers they suddenly lost after people realized nobody actually cared about the "18 best ways to announce at your dinner party that you casually bought property in California."

I saw the Cold War blog fiasco, where one Soviet blogger nearly sparked World War III after "10 Bombs America has Already Dropped On Us."

You might just think that these decades of experience have put a massive chip on my shoulder, but all they have done is given me an undeniably well-rounded perspective on the inevitable un-trending of a trend we have in recent years tended to overextend.

Over the past 60-odd years, blogging has seen a slow but steady decline. In 1945, when I was starting out and blogging was hot, everybody and his mother had a blog. The President had a blog. The Army had a blog. Even your dog had a blog. Now, the President has some intern blogging for him. The Army has outsourced its blogging to underpaid wage-workers in China. For reasons largely left unexplained, nearly 80 percent of dogs have left the blogosphere.

No note. They just left.

Comparing the blogosphere of today to the blogosphere of 1945 is like holding up a rabbit turd to the ziggurats of Machu Picchu. Laughable. And you want to wash your hands after you do it.

I feel filthy.

Here are some startling statistics:

• Blogs on religion are down 45 percent from 1945.
• Blogs on politics are down 80 percent. 
• Blogs on cats--once a rare atrocity--have nearly tripled. This is a bad sign.
• Here's the zinger: the average annual income of professional bloggers has reached an all-time low. In 1945, you could make $80,000 per year by blogging about your political views and honest opinions. As much as it pains me to relate this fact, I will: bloggers today make an average of $300 per year.
• Possibly as a result of their diminished wages and desperate circumstances, the number of federal crimes committed in America by bloggers has increased tenfold.
• Homicides, specifically, have doubled.
• Possibly due to a drought of good ideas, copyright infringement has placed thousands of well-meaning bloggers in prison.

Blogging has become a playground for 14-year-old nutbags, bad writers, terrorists, and content marketers. Blogging used to be an honest profession. It really did. It brought home the bacon, it made you friends, it gave you self-esteem, and it helped people. It actually helped people. Not only that, but it was the way people left their permanent mark on the world. Nowadays people will read 600 words from some 14-year-old who calls himself a "content marketing prodigy" (but is actually a cat), impulsively add themselves to that imbecile cat's insipid following, scroll down to the next story, and run back to their narcissistic bastard lives feeling like they exercised their freedom of expression and--gulp!--learned something. Not so in 1945. Back then, good bloggers got plaques.

They got plaques, and some of the really good ones got medals.

Whole towns got together to throw parties for good blog posts.

It was a different world...I would go so far as to call it the Golden Age of Blogs.

It's been a long time since that world was a reality, and despite some tough years of denial in the 80s, I'm over it. My problem now is that most people haven't made this leap.

What You Should Do

Trust me. Blogging is one of the worst things you could do with your life. Save yourself some time and stop blogging. Maybe it was once a glamorous profession, but now it's the editorial equivalent of basket-weaving. And if you told anyone that you were a basket-weaver, you'd get a stern talking to--similar to this one--about how you need to move on and get a real job. 

4 Definite Signs Your Woman is Seeing Another Man (#2 Caught Me Off-Guard)

We all know the feeling. Jealousy. Suspicion. A building sense of cold distance between oneself and the angel once exalted as a goddess in one's most intimate dreams. We all know the terrible certainty-despite-uncertainty that our love is hanging over a precipice from a single thread of hope.

But how can we know for sure whether our world is ending for good?

I traveled the world to find an answer to this question. I traveled to Norway. What I discovered shocked me, intrigued me, and, more than anything else, enlightened me.

Here are 4 definite signs your woman is seeing another man.

1) She says five subtle, seemingly innocuous words to you: "I am seeing another man."

You have to be careful with this tricky phrase and the context in which it arises. If, for instance, your woman is an actress, and she is speaking these words to another person on a stage, and the two are generally presumed to be acting out roles that bear no necessary relation to their personal lives, then you can be pretty sure (not 100% sure) that your woman (emphasis on your and woman) remains your faithful slave and or beloved and cherished partner. If, however, your woman asks you if she can "talk to you about something" and says she has "something" she's "been meaning to tell you for some time" and maybe even "feels bad about," and then utters these five nearly undetectable code-words, then you have a reason to make that dreaded leap, pack your bags, and move far, far away to a purer, less crooked and less tainted world. (Iceland is good.)

2) She invites you to come on a date with "another man I've been seeing."

This one is also hard to decipher without proper guidance, but I'm here to help. It's a signal that I learned to watch for during my time in Norway. 

While I was in Bergen, I met a woman (whom I quickly claimed as "my woman" though she disputed the title) who invited me to peruse the fish market with "Anders." When I asked my woman who "this f---er Anders" was, she said---in a matter-of-fact tone I found simply intolerable---that he was "another man" she "had met in a spa" and who "was interested in a little group [bonding]." (I replaced her use of a word unbecoming of a female.)

I had had my suspicions before (like when she invited me to the disco-tech with her "sexy lover" Nils), but it was not until this precise moment that I had no shadow of a doubt that my woman was seeing another man. I immediately threw my bag of mini shrimp in her face and stormed out of the fish market like an indignant Norse god. Some people gasped, and there were some things said in Norwegian I didn't quite understand, but I'm sure they were congratulating me on humiliating my FORMER woman (read: infidel) in public.

(Let me clarify that when I say "your woman," I mean the female that you personally own, who divested herself of all autonomy when you first laid eyes on her and conceptualized her being "your woman." Her name, career, or aspirations are not important provided she is "your woman" and you have "a woman.")

3. She introduces you to her "boyfriend."

I can't tell you how many times I have missed this cue. At least seven. Maybe eight. Less than 10. You really have to watch for it. You have to watch for it like you're watching the door of the one bathroom at work, which has been taken for the last hour, it seems, by some idiot who is probably texting his mom. You'll miss it 99% of the time, but if you're vigilant, I think you can catch it.

As soon as she introduces you to the guy, it's no use. You've lost her loyalty. Stand your ground. Don't make eye contact with the brute. This man stole your prize from you, and he deserves no recognition. Throw something at him, maybe a stapler or a glass jar. Make grunting sounds to indicate your dominance. If you're lucky, the couple will just turn and walk away, but if he picks a fight, knock him down in the dust like the soulless dog he is. 

4. You walk into your bedroom to find your woman in the dreaded act with another man.

The first time this happened to me, I gave my woman the benefit of the doubt. I said, "Honey, I don't know what you're doing over there, but it sure looks like you're twiddling that guy's Talbot." She said, "No, we're just playing a board game."

"Is it Twister?"

"No. It's backgammon."

"OK. If it was Twister I'd come over there and join you, but since it's not Twister I think I'll go watch TV."

"OK, Sweetie. Can you turn out the light?"

"Sure thing Honey."

Literally I had no idea. Literally. Right there in front of me. I even saw him put his Lamborghini in the garage, but I didn't want to ask any questions. Anyway, if this ever happens to you, stop right there. Put an ad on Craigslist, either for you or for your EX woman, doesn't matter. Life as you know it is over.

What Should You Do?

The four signs I've highlighted in this article are hard to detect, and now, I'm sure, the mere thought that any of these signals has an underlying meaning is throwing you through a loop. But, if you find any of these four nightmares to come true, I have some action steps you can follow to ensure the best possible outcome for you.

Do not show weakness. Period. The worst thing you can do in these kinds of situations is admit that you're having an emotional reaction (also known as a WEAK reaction). Strong men simply don't have emotions, and if you're having one, you need to beat yourself up or something, just to show that you have a high pain tolerance and you're not affected by little unimportant things like your woman betraying your trust. Draw blood for an added effect.

Do not talk about it. Talking never solved any problems. Talking is for women, like the harpy who ground your soul into the dust with her pointless girly high heels of sexual impurity. I bet she does a lot of talking with that other man. Serves him right.

Stick to your values. If your woman turns out to be seeing another man, there is no question as to who is in the wrong. It's definitely her. Don't listen to anything she says about your "emotional unavailability" or the "really lousy sex" or your "oppressive misogyny." These are all concepts invented by the feminine wiles to make honorable men like you feel bad about themselves unnecessarily. (They want to steal your masculinity!) AND to give them an excuse to soil their pure spirits in the filthy confusion of so-called "independence." 

Build an ark. The ending of such a perfect love can only signal the end of the world as we know it. Just to be safe, it's a good idea to prepare for the worst. 

Tune in next week when I explain 5 sure signs your sarcasm is becoming an addiction.