It's like Plato, but for therapeutic purposes.
Maybe Plato is therapeutic for some people. I don't know.
What have I been feeling lately?
- Frustrated
Therapist: Why have you been feeling frustrated?
Me: Well, I watched a movie.
Yes?
It was a documentary called The Punk Singer. I really liked it. The lead singer of Bikini Kill is a really inspiring person. Halfway through the movie I stopped it and decided to have a dance party in my parents' living room. They were away for the weekend. I plugged my computer into the TV and put on a YouTube strobe light and turned out all the lights.
Sounds like fun.
It was really fun. I felt really alive when I was dancing. I decided that I would just be myself and jump and scream and let all my energy out. It was cathartic.
Cathartic meaning?
There was something inside me that just needed to be let out. And I let it out when I was dancing. I haven't been dancing in a while lately.
Does this have anything to do with you feeling frustrated?
Kind of. After watching Kathleen Hanna scream her guts out at punk rock concerts, I felt like I wasn't doing enough to let out my true self. You know, like how I felt when I was dancing. The feeling of being let loose, free, limitless...I wished every moment could be like that...and I was frustrated that I was a barista and an editor and not the frontman of a punk rock band. I see Kathleen Hanna on the stage and I think, that's who I want to be like...that's me...but at the same time it's not. And that's frustrating.
Are you unhappy with your job?
No, I really like my work, most of the time. I just feel like I'm in a box. Like it's not the real me...it's just something I'm doing for a while so that people give me money so that I can save up to travel...and me traveling is the real me. At least, that's one of my goals.
Does traveling have anything to do with your frustration?
It does. It didn't take me long to forget why I was looking for work in August. I wanted to travel, and I thought I needed money to do that, which is true, so I looked for work. I found work, and I told myself at the beginning that this was a good thing and that I needed to "earn my freedom," like the author of Vagabonding says, and I was incredibly motivated at that point to just buckle down and work like a dog for four months. And that's what I've been doing.
So why are you frustrated?
I'm frustrated because there are so many obstacles to me feeling like I'm actually doing what I want to do. I want to travel, but I have to work first. I want to dance, but I also have to eat, which means I have to work.
Do you think that other people have these obstacles, too?
Yes, I do. I feel like the whole system is rigged to keep people from being themselves. Because if everyone just did what they wanted to do, certain people would lose power. Capitalism's strength is its ability to convince people that they are acting in their own interest when in fact they are acting in the interest of someone else. And we're all stuck in this system, so much that anyone who says things like this about the system is just suffocated by the majority of people who accept the system.
That sounds like a pretty lousy world to live in.
It is pretty lousy. But as I'm explaining this I'm starting to think that it's very natural for me to blame something for the pain I'm feeling. Today it's capitalism. Tomorrow it might be my parents. Things are bad, and I can't explain it. Something is just off.
So, back to traveling. You said you feel like traveling is the real you. And you're feeling frustrated because you have to jump through some hoops in order to be the real you. What are those hoops that you have to jump through?
Well, I have to finish my pottery class. That's one thing tying me down. I'm working at the coffee shop, but it's part-time work, and it's not really something I'm married to. I have my work for [], but I can do that from anywhere, and I can just tell [] that I can't come into the office for a few months because I'll be doing my work from a cabin in the woods. Maybe I'll just go up to Vermont and work at []'s cabin. That would be cool.
It sounds like it's just the pottery class.
Yeah, I guess that's the only thing that's keeping me from traveling. And the fact that I don't know how to couchsurf and I'm afraid of doing it wrong and either offending my hosts or getting kidnapped by ISIS.
Let's talk about that first one. You're afraid of doing it wrong. Tell me more about that.
Well, I'm afraid of not being welcome. That happened to me a month or so ago. I couchsurfed in New Hampshire, and after a few days I was kicked out because my being there was messing up my host's routine. It was hard for me, but I guess it wasn't that bad. I didn't get kidnapped or beaten up or anything.
Sounds like you've seen a pretty negative scenario already. Do you think this will happen with every host?
Probably not. I just need to make my couchsurfing profile and start contacting people. That's the hard thing for me. Actually talking to people and making plans and saying, yes, I'll be here on this date, no doubt about it.
Surely that's unavoidable with couchsurfing.
Yeah, it's part of the deal.
Are there other ways to travel that appeal to you?
Well, everything else is so expensive. I just want to sleep somewhere. It could be a park bench or the back of a van. I don't have the charisma to just walk up to people and by the end of the conversation have convinced them that I'm worth putting up for the night. So, I feel like this whole traveling thing is going to be very dirty and smelly and hairy and grimy and some nights I probably won't sleep, but hey, that's how it is now, and things might not work out all the time. But that's OK. It's OK when things don't work out. I think I'm just averse to the thought that things might not work out.
Say that again. I didn't quite understand.
I'm much better at handling unforeseen circumstances than handling the idea of unforeseen circumstances. Like, when I'm actually in a situation, and things aren't going as planned, I'm pretty OK with it. But when I'm making plans, I'm very sensitive to the thought that things might not work out, or something might go wrong, or I'm unqualified or unprepared, and those thoughts make me change my course to something more like what I've always been doing. So, I end up not taking risks, not doing new things, and not changing.
So, you feel that the possibility of failure has a large impact on your planning?
Yes. I picture things going very badly in my head, and then I feel how I would feel in those situations, and then that feeling carries over into my reality, and it's almost as if something already did go very badly, and I lose confidence, and I don't do what I originally wanted to do.
And this keeps you from, say, couchsurfing?
I think so. It doesn't make any sense, but I think that's how it's working.
I think we're making progress. You've recognized that there's a pattern in your thinking that doesn't make sense, and it's affecting your behavior in ways you don't like. My specialty is in cognitive behavioral therapy, so I can help you work on your thoughts and your behaviors in tandem. Let's start with the behavior you want to change. Can you identify that behavior?
I think it's not doing new things because I'm afraid they're not going to work out.
OK. So let's take some steps backwards and figure out how you get to that outcome. You said that when you start thinking of something you want to do, you quickly lose confidence in the idea, thinking of a situation in which it doesn't work out.
Right.
The first step to countering the thought pattern is by disrupting it. When we go on autopilot, we lose control. Really, we give up control. The first step is taking yourself off autopilot. This means you have to pay attention to what you're thinking in those times of decision making, when you're contemplating a new plan. So, the real first step is recognizing when you're entering one of those decision making moments, and then raising a little flag in your mind that says, "TIME TO WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS." How do you think you could do that?
Well, I could write myself a note.
You could do that.
I could set reminders on my phone that ask me, every five hours, "Are you getting near one of those situations?" And I could either start thinking about it or just ignore the notification.
These are some great ideas, David. So, once you break yourself out of autopilot, you can start to walk yourself through some new mental steps instead of going through the same old same old mental steps that send you down the bad mental path. Let's say you find yourself thinking about something new that you'd like to try, and you raise the flag and realize you're in the zone. What next? Talk to yourself about what you would usually do in this situation. What you usually do is say, OK, it's a cool idea, but it's just not for me, I'm not ready, it could go wrong, yadda yadda yadda, and then you don't do anything new. Once you have brought to mind the old way of doing things, you can say, OK, I usually do that, but now I'm going to do something a little different, as an experiment, and I'm open to it being a raging success or a mistake. Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does.
You're smiling.
Yeah, it just makes a lot of sense. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on what's going on in my head.
It just takes some talking. So, with this couchsurfing thing, what are you going to do when you find yourself thinking about it?
OK. I'm going to realize that I'm thinking about it, take myself off autopilot, imagine what I would usually do in that situation, and then do something slightly different, as an experiment. And I'm going to say, I'm open to this being a big success, or a mistake.
Yup, you nailed it. OK, so we talked about a lot of things today. And we should keep talking about them next week. Why don't you come in again next week and let me know how things are going?
OK. Same time, same place?
Yes, this is my office.
How much do your sessions cost, again?
These are free. I don't exist.
Right. Well, you helped a lot.
God helps those who help themselves.
